In November 2007, I was a senior in High School filling out college applications. I filled out applications for 5 universities. 1 of them was local, 1 was in Arizona, 1 was in Virginia, and 2 were in Utah. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, so I was just going to wait until the acceptance letters came back. I was offered a full ride to the local university, a 3/4 ride to the university in Virginia, and partial rides to the university in Arizona and 1 of the schools in Utah. I however was accepted to all 5 universities. This of course did not make my decision easy. I was oddly hoping to only be accepted to 1, so the choice didn't have to be made. Most at this point would have picked the local university for the free tuition, however, there were many things effecting my choice.
My entire family except my mom was encouraging me to go to a prestigious university. I kept hearing "You are too smart, to waste your education on the local university." In my mind I didn't care where I went. Deep down inside of me, I wasn't sure I was ready to move away from everything I had ever known, and I wanted to stay put. However, in trying to please every one in my family I chose to make an attempt at the 1 university in Utah that I had no scholarship to.
The entire summer before I had to leave, I kept changing my mind, all the way up until the day I left. The decision to go, was very difficult, but I was ready for change. I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted new friends, and I wanted a change of scenery. I went into the move completely ready and somewhat excited for change. I was willing to put myself out there and meet new people. I had chosen to live outside of the dorms, which didn't allow for many opportunities to socialize. I met my roommates and found that we had little in common. I found that people were nice in the classes I was taking. I was ready.. or at least I thought I was.
After about a week of being 14 hours away from home, I began to feel very homesick like most college freshman. I however thought that this would go away as I continued to meet new people, but I was wrong. It just got worse. My brother was a senior in college at the same university, and I spent a lot of time with him and being introduced to his friends. I however, started to feel no desire to make new friends. I didn't want to go out, and I found my couch and a television to be much more appealing.
I started to feel like the classes I was taking were much too difficult for me. I found myself starting to feel like I was dumb. I convinced myself that there was no way I would be able to do well in my classes, and became content with getting C's and D's. (very unusual considering I got straight A's in high school). I started to feel like I would never be good enough for this "prestigious" university, however I stayed.
2 months after being there was my 19th birthday. My brother had left town for drill with the army, so I was going to be spending this birthday alone. Around 4:30, I got a phone call from my brother's ex-girlfriend, the girl I had met at his birthday party, telling me to be ready in 30 min for my birthday party. I was thoroughly confused, and could not even begin to imagine who would be at this party. I had no friends. At first I refused to go, and didn't want any part of it, but after being convinced into it, I went. When I got there, I found that some of my brother's friends and this girls roommates and friends had all come to celebrate a birthday for a girl they didn't know. This was shocking to me. I couldn't believe people were actually that nice. The party turned out to be a success and it was the real beginning of a friendship that was going to last forever.
This girl became one of the only people that could get me to leave my apartment. She took me to many different parks, where I found that one of my favorite things was swings. She convinced me to start playing catch with her, and she took me on hikes through the beautiful mountains. She started inviting me to everything she was doing, and I found myself spending more time with her than by myself. My love of movies grew and I found that I was starting to see the future that I was going to have. For a brief time, I felt like I actually enjoyed Utah. Then the SNOW came.
My entire life, I have always asked "Santa" for snow for Christmas. I loved it, and wanted Christmas to be white. After moving to Utah, I have developed a sincere hatred for snow. It was always wet and cold. There was snow on the ground from October to April. TOO LONG!!! As it started to get colder, I found that I stopped going to classes, and started to stay in my apartment again. There were many people who will never know the impact they had on my life during this time. There were many times where I just didn't want to be alive anymore, and they would come over and hang out with me, even if that meant we just stayed in my apartment in pj's.
My new friend, who became my best friend in Utah, made it her mission to help me to be happy in Utah. She would spend every waking moment that wasn't in class with me, and we found ourselves going on many adventures. During the Spring semester, she had me move in with her, and I met her roommates. One of them I developed a strong connection with. She became my "Big Sister/Role Model." She encouraged me to go to school, and she encouraged me to be a better person. I made many mistakes and would talk to her because I never once felt like I was being judged by her, and I always felt like she would be there for me. I am not sure she knows how much of a difference she made in my life during those 4 months that I lived with her.
That summer, my mom decided I needed to come home to focus on myself. When I got home, I went back to the job I had during high school. I found myself hanging out with my close friends all summer. I became attached to them, and really didn't want to leave. I began to spend a lot of time with them, doing many different things. I participated in many conversations about where we could all be had I not gone, and I started to think I made the wrong decision. Through out that summer, I became wishy washy again on where I wanted to be at school. There were even times where I would call my new friend and try to convince her to transfer with me, but for some reason I found myself back in Utah in August.
When I got back, things were ok. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, but I was going to keep trying. I don't like to give up. I found myself longing to be a part of team and a group of people, so I went to the sport I was a part of in high school. Color Guard. I found an Independent A Winter Guard 45 min away. I had already missed auditions, so I emailed the director asking if it was too late. After explaining where I had come from, the director was extremely excited to have me be a part of their team. I went to my first rehearsal, and felt like I already fit. They had me audition on each piece of equipment, and found that I could spin any of it. This was new to me. I had finally found something to be a part of. I was very excited and could not wait for the 3 times a week that I got to see my new friends. They all welcomed me with open hands, and I felt like I had made 12 new friends that fast. As I would rehearse with them, I found the love of this sport, that I thought I had lost again. I wanted nothing more than to be out there performing.
I came home for Thanksgiving. While I was home, once again I reconnected with my friends from home, and had the strong desire to be back at home with what I knew. I had friends who were in their own depressions, and I felt guilty for not being there to help them through. I started to feel like everything was my fault, and I didn't know how to change or fix anything. I however, went back to Utah. My new friend had started dating this guy that we both were friends with very seriously, and I felt myself feeling left out all the time. They got engaged that December. The roommate "big sister" left for 18 months on a church mission, and once again, I felt my life falling apart. I started to become very clingy to my new friend. There are many things that I would say and do to try to get to spend more time with her, but all I found was we were falling apart. I pushed and pushed on her trying to get her to walk away from me even though she kept saying she wouldn't. We got to a point where she was threatening to move out, if I didn't back off. But of course, I didn't stop. I started to feel myself saying things to her, knowing they would hurt her, even though I knew they were wrong. I couldn't stop myself. I felt like I had finally lost control.
During the month before Christmas and the week that I had come back to Utah, I found that I had pushed a friend so far that she didn't know what to do anymore. I knew I cared about her, and I knew that the last thing I wanted was for her to stop talking to me. However, she needed space. I had become too dependent on her for my happiness. I felt like if she wasn't in my life, I would be in a deep depression. When she started taking her space, I just started shutting down. I wouldn't tell her anything. I started to blame her for the way I felt, and I started to feel like she didn't care about me. I accused her of being fake and many other things. I said things to her and would do things that no person should ever have experienced from a person who they called their best friend. She was an amazing friend and did nothing but try to make me happy, however no person could have made me happy. (I didn't know that yet). She put up with a lot from me, and to the day I left stood by my side trying to help to the best of her ability. She was willing to give up anything to help me. I remember the many nights of driving around or going out to the "Rock" just to talk and try to fix things. She tried so hard, and I gave her nothing in return.
I ended up coming home a week after going back from Christmas break. I left without saying good-bye to anybody. I up and quit my job and the winter guard I had become a part of. I knew that leaving was the right thing to do, but it made me feel horrible, because I was quitting everything with no notice. I felt like I was letting people down, to the point where I deleted most of them from my life. The biggest regret from leaving though was not really saying bye to the girl who had stood by my side the entire time I was there. She became my best friend, even though it hurt her to be around her ex-boyfriends sister. She made sure that I enjoyed the time I was there, and I treated her horrible. She didn't deserve it, and that is my biggest regret from being there.
I make Utah sound like it was all bad, however there are many things that I learned there. I learned how to be on my own, and how to provide for myself. One of the big things I learned in Utah was that when you try to please every one you end up pleasing no one. I learned that having time out in nature is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I learned that in order to find peace you have to identify what issues and battles you have. I learned that what may be right for one person, may not be right for me. I learned that I have to figure out who I am before any one else can know me. While there, I found the love for something that I thought I had lost. From the people I met, I learned that I have to have self worth. They helped me to begin to like myself, and helped me to start improving myself. Utah taught me a greater appreciation for my life.
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