Day 7-8: Trust

What is trust? According to our favorite source, trust is reliance on a person or entity. According to dictionary.com trust is reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. Trust is a very important thing. It can not be seen, but you can feel it. It usually takes a while to build it, and once it is broken it is very hard to get back. 

How many people or things have you put your trust in and been disappointed? I know I have done it often. Many people would say, I trust too easily. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are good people. I like to believe they aren't going to do anything to hurt me. However, over this last summer, I found that this is not true of everyone. 

I put my trust in a very close friend. They knew everything, they had been through everything with me. They used to be the one who built me up, and made me feel like I could take over the world. They inspired me to be a better person. This person had my full trust, I never thought that they would do anything to hurt me. I trusted that they cared about me, as if I were part of their family. I was shocked when I realized this person had walked out of my life without even the decency to tell me as to why. It shocked me that when I asked this person why, all they said at first was they couldn't handle me. They didn't know how to fix my issues, and they didn't want to be here to watch me fall apart. This hurt me more than anything. Out of everyone in my life, I trusted this person to stop me before I pushed too far.  I trusted this person to help me. And all that happened was I was let down. 

After a summer of fixing my life, I have come to the realization that I put too much trust into this person. It was by no means their fault that I thought they would stop me. They had never told me they would, but I had assumed it. It was my fault that I trusted this person to never hurt me. I trusted that this person was a real friend. Maybe we were at first, I want to believe that for the many years that they were in my life, that we were "True" Friends, and if we weren't I am going to just keep my good memories. Still to this day, I would do anything for this person. I would still be willing to take a bullet for them. 

Trust is a funny thing. It has the power to hurt you, but it also has the power to make you feel great. Without trust, you would not feel as though you know people. Everything would seem fake. You have to be willing to trust, even if it means you may get hurt. In the end, just remember the good things that trust brought you. If you aren't willing to try, you may never know what the world has to offer. 

After everything that has happened in my life, I have found it is very hard to trust people lately. I want to believe they won't hurt me, but its difficult. I have been hurt by people that I never would have thought would be willing to hurt me. I am willing to keep trying though. I have learned that without trust, my life is going to be boring. Trust is what helps to make your life interesting. If I want life to go on and be good, then I must be willing to trust again.

Day 6: Happiness

What is happiness? Is it the same for everyone? Once again according Wikipedia, Happiness is a mental state of well being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. I have found over the last year that happiness can sometimes be forgotten. There are times where things in your life just aren't going as planned, and it seems like there is no changing them.


Many people are on a search to find something that will make them happy, however, over this summer, I learned a very important thing. My happiness is completely up to me. There is not a single "THING" that will make us happy. It is all a matter of choice. I have to choose to be happy no matter what. If things are going wrong, then I have to find the positive, and allow myself to be happy. 


Some people have a "Happy Place." This may be a place where you go and just have time to yourself. Some people find that doing something every day allows them to remain happy. For me, I have learned to be happy no matter what the situation. I have learned to laugh at the bad, and learn whatever it is I need to, but at the end of the day remember the good because that is what truly keeps me going. 


There are a lot of good things that happen to us every day that go unnoticed. Were you able to make it everywhere safely? Did someone smile and say hi to you today? Was your body in good health? Is everyone you care about safe? Did you accomplish most, if not all, of what you needed to? Did you have food? Water?  Were you able to bathe? Did you have power, so you could watch your favorite TV show? Power to keep your phone charged? 


Each and every day, we take things in our life for granted. We don't think about the good that has occurred. We manage to only focus on the bad. We compare ourselves with those around us. We focus on our weaknesses. We become content with negativity, and stop trying to make it positive. In all reality though, if we made a simple choice to be positive, our happiness level would sky rocket. 


In the middle of July, I was challenged by a friend to attempt to see double the positive than the negative in my life each day. At the end of every night, I would write down all the things that I was unhappy with from the day. I would then try to double that list with positive things that happened that day. At first this was very difficult. I had a hard time seeing the positive. I accepted that I was having a bad summer, and that things were bad. However, after about a week, I noticed that my entire attitude had changed. Instead of being able to have a list of 20 things wrong, I could only start to see 5 to 10 things each day, and my lists of good were in the near 50's. I was shocked at the difference this experiment had made. I only did this experiment for a month, but  I found my happiness levels to be much higher than before. At the end of every day, I still try to name positive things, and I have found it's easier to name negative now, but I still know that there is positive. 


I have also found that it is easier to be happy when you focus on others. Stop worrying about yourself, and everything that is going on in your life. Walk around with the goal of making some one else's day better. Smiling and saying Hi to people around you, could make a difference in their lives. It is easier to be happy, when you are doing everything you can to make other people happy. However, when people have issues, don't take them upon yourself. Lend an ear, and a helping hand, and try to make their day better, but don't let them effect your day. 


Happiness is a choice. When you wake up in the morning, say to yourself, "I will be happy today!" It really does make a difference. According to Abraham Lincoln, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Day 3,4,5 combined!: Friends

Well I am back, sorry i missed a few days, but life got very hectic. Today my topic is Friends and what constitutes as a friend. Over the last 5 months I have really thought about "friend" as a word, label, and what I see in people.

According to my favorite source, Wikipedia, a friend is someone that we value based on 

• tendency to desire what is best for the other
• sympathy and empathy
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• enjoyment of each other's company
• trust in one another
• positive reciprocity- a relationship is based on equal give and take
• the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement

Based on this definition how many people do we call friends that meet all the standards? True friends are very hard to find. My grandpa once told me that if I could make 5 true friends while I lived, then I was a lucky person.  In my life I have found that I have very few. The term "Friend" is used very loosely. We pretty much call every person we meet a "friend." 

It is hard to find True friends that have no ulterior motive for hanging out with you. It is hard to find selfless people who just want to improve your life. Once you find these true friends, you shouldn't let go. That doesn't mean that "True Friends" don't ever make mistakes either. Everyone is guilty of not being the best of a friend that you could be. No person is perfect, which means we can't hold our friends to that standard. How would you feel if someone decided they were no longer going to be friends with you because you had an off day and couldn't be the best friend? Did your opinions of that person change at all? Would you have still done anything for them? I think everyone deserves to be forgiven, even if it is their 100th mistake. We are all human, and yes we control our actions, but most of the time you aren't thinking about the effects of your actions before you do them. 

It is hard to forgive friends because you hold them to a higher standard. You expect them to not make mistakes, or to be perfect when it comes to your friendship. However, if we step back and look at our friends when they make mistakes and think about why they may have done whatever it is they did, most times you find that you were not the target. William Blake once said, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." This is true, but if you were really their friend in the first place, you would want to forgive. If you were being a true friend, you would see that their intentions were good, but their actions may have been wrong. 

Why do we need friends? Studies have shown that people who have friends and do not live in isolation, live longer. So friends improve our length of life. On a more emotional level, friends tend to be cheaper than therapy. By having good friends you can talk through whatever life throws at you, and you may find yourself getting through much easier. Friends help you to learn to function in society because they teach you social skills and what is acceptable. Friends are also a good way to keep yourself from being lonely. There is a time to be alone and reflect on your own, but there is also a time where you just want to have company. Friends can help us to be more confident, and they can also help us to be better people. 

Everybody needs friends. In order to have GOOD friends, you need to learn to be a good friend first. It takes time to develop a friendship. It also takes love and patience. If you show that you care and love people, they will show you it in return. If you find a "True Friend," don't let them go. Show your love by being there when they are in need. Show your love by being able to have fun and enjoy each other. Treat them with respect, and let them know that you accept them no matter what. You don't walk in their shoes, so until you do don't judge them. You only know what they tell you, and sometimes they may not want to tell you, so just be loving and kind. Lend a an ear when they want to talk, and don't be afraid to talk to them. Friendship goes 2 ways and once one person slacks off, the whole friendship may die. 

"A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably." ~William Penn

Day 2: Labels

Label-In sociology a label is a way of differentiating and identifying people. Many people would call labels a form of prejudice or discrimination. However, we in our daily lives use labels. We label people as a friend, enemy, acquaintance, best friend, etc. Most of these labels don't carry a negative connotation. 

Today, a friend and I were discussing labels and why we use them. The conclusion we came to was that you give a person one of these kinds of labels in order to make them feel better. Does it really matter to you who you call your best friends? Do you care if you label someone a friend, when really they are only an acquaintance? However do you have friends that if they were called your best friend, they would get upset or hurt? Most of us do. 

In my life, I know many different people. Some I talk to on a daily basis, some on a weekly, some monthly, and some very rarely. I call a few different people my best friend. Some of the people closest to me live far away, and I only talk to on occasion. This doesn't make them any less of a friend then someone I talk to on a regular basis. I however have those few friends that if they weren't called my best friend they would get butt hurt. I label people based on the need they have. I believe there will come a time where everyone in my life is only labelled as a "friend" unless they are my husband. 

Then there are the labels that we give people that are seen as discrimination. When teachers label students as dumb, disabled, ADD, etc, what idea are we giving to those students? When friends say we are fat, ugly, short, stupid, retarded, boring, etc.. What does that do to your self esteem? As a society we have become very comfortable and a little too honest to each other. There are some things that should NEVER be said. We wonder why our kids are developing low self esteems and don't feel good enough for anything, well I think you should look at what they are being told about themselves every day. Are they surrounding themselves with people that build them up, or tear them down? Do we let their teachers put a label on them? 

Every day there are on average 84 suicides in the United States alone. Most of these suicides were from a depression. 1/2 of them are started by someone being labelled/judged. These are some of the most preventable deaths. I met someone when I was a sophomore in College. This person was extremely suicidal. (Didn't know this at the time). I ran into her in the grocery store, and started talking to her in line. I ended up giving her my phone number and getting hers. I started to invited her to activities where she began making a lot of friends. I didn't end up hanging out with her all the time, but I saw her once or twice a week for about 3 months. After I left Utah, I got a phone call from her. During this call, she informed me that the day I met her at the grocery store, she was preparing to poison herself and commit suicide. She told me that my small act of just saying hi stopped her. I helped her to see that there were people out there who enjoyed being around her, and that she could make friends. I never knew how much my act of kindness had meant until 5 months later. 

Everybody deserves a chance to be themselves. Whoever that inner person is should be allow to shine. The world has become a very judgmental place, and we are ALL guilty of it at some point in our lives. As you go about your daily lives, I ask that you try to be a little nicer and remember that you never know why someone is how they are. Smile and say hi to people because you never know who's life you may change. I am grateful for the people in my life who took the time to get to know me, and helped me to see who I was and what I had to offer. As Walt Whitman once said, "Be curious, not judgmental." 

Day 1: Utah

Utah: A memory, that I have suppressed for the last 2 years. I have not thought or really told anyone about my experiences in Utah. I make everything seem horrible, even though much of it was the best experience of my life. It is an experience I would never change, and will be a part of me forever.

In November 2007, I was a senior in High School filling out college applications. I filled out applications for 5 universities. 1 of them was local, 1 was in Arizona, 1 was in Virginia, and 2 were in Utah. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, so I was just going to wait until the acceptance letters came back. I was offered a full ride to the local university, a 3/4 ride to the university in Virginia, and partial rides to the university in Arizona and 1 of the schools in Utah. I however was accepted to all 5 universities. This of course did not make my decision easy. I was oddly hoping to only be accepted to 1, so the choice didn't have to be made. Most at this point would have picked the local university for the free tuition, however, there were many things effecting my choice.

My entire family except my mom was encouraging me to go to a prestigious university. I kept hearing "You are too smart, to waste your education on the local university." In my mind I didn't care where I went. Deep down inside of me, I wasn't sure I was ready to move away from everything I had ever known, and I wanted to stay put. However, in trying to please every one in my family I chose to make an attempt at the 1 university in Utah that I had no scholarship to.

The entire summer before I had to leave, I kept changing my mind, all the way up until the day I left. The decision to go, was very difficult, but I was ready for change. I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted new friends, and I wanted a change of scenery. I went into the move completely ready and somewhat excited for change. I was willing to put myself out there and meet new people. I had chosen to live outside of the dorms, which didn't allow for many opportunities to socialize. I met my roommates and found that we had little in common. I found that people were nice in the classes I was taking. I was ready.. or at least I thought I was.

After about a week of being 14 hours away from home, I began to feel very homesick like most college freshman. I however thought that this would go away as I continued to meet new people, but I was wrong. It just got worse. My brother was a senior in college at the same university, and I spent a lot of time with him and being introduced to his friends. I however, started to feel no desire to make new friends. I didn't want to go out, and I found my couch and a television to be much more appealing.

I started to feel like the classes I was taking were much too difficult for me. I found myself starting to feel like I was dumb. I convinced myself that there was no way I would be able to do well in my classes, and became content with getting C's and D's. (very unusual considering I got straight A's in high school). I started to feel like I would never be good enough for this "prestigious" university, however I stayed.

2 months after being there was my 19th birthday. My brother had left town for drill with the army, so I was going to be spending this birthday alone. Around 4:30, I got a phone call from my brother's ex-girlfriend, the girl I had met at his birthday party, telling me to be ready in 30 min for my birthday party. I was thoroughly confused, and could not even begin to imagine who would be at this party. I had no friends. At first I refused to go, and didn't want any part of it, but after being convinced into it, I went. When I got there, I found that some of my brother's friends and this girls roommates and friends had all come to celebrate a birthday for a girl they didn't know. This was shocking to me. I couldn't believe people were actually that nice. The party turned out to be a success and it was the real beginning of a friendship that was going to last forever.

This girl became one of the only people that could get me to leave my apartment. She took me to many different parks, where I found that one of my favorite things was swings. She convinced me to start playing catch with her, and she took me on hikes through the beautiful mountains. She started inviting me to everything she was doing, and I found myself spending more time with her than by myself. My love of movies grew and I found that I was starting to see the future that I was going to have. For a brief time, I felt like I actually enjoyed Utah. Then the SNOW came.

My entire life, I have always asked "Santa" for snow for Christmas. I loved it, and wanted Christmas to be white. After moving to Utah, I have developed a sincere hatred for snow. It was always wet and cold. There was snow on the ground from October to April. TOO LONG!!! As it started to get colder, I found that I stopped going to classes, and started to stay in my apartment again. There were many people who will never know the impact they had on my life during this time. There were many times where I just didn't want to be alive anymore, and they would come over and hang out with me, even if that meant we just stayed in my apartment in pj's.

My new friend, who became my best friend in Utah, made it her mission to help me to be happy in Utah. She would spend every waking moment that wasn't in class with me, and we found ourselves going on many adventures. During the Spring semester, she had me move in with her, and I met her roommates. One of them I developed a strong connection with. She became my "Big Sister/Role Model." She encouraged me to go to school, and she encouraged me to be a better person. I made many mistakes and would talk to her because I never once felt like I was being judged by her, and I always felt like she would be there for me. I am not sure she knows how much of a difference she made in my life during those 4 months that I lived with her.

That summer, my mom decided I needed to come home to focus on myself. When I got home, I went back to the job I had during high school. I found myself hanging out with my close friends all summer. I became attached to them, and really didn't want to leave. I began to spend a lot of time with them, doing many different things. I participated in many conversations about where we could all be had I not gone, and I started to think I made the wrong decision. Through out that summer, I became wishy washy again on where I wanted to be at school. There were even times where I would call my new friend and try to convince her to transfer with me, but for some reason I found myself back in Utah in August.

When I got back, things were ok. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, but I was going to keep trying. I don't like to give up. I found myself longing to be a part of team and a group of people, so I went to the sport I was a part of in high school. Color Guard. I found an Independent A Winter Guard 45 min away. I had already missed auditions, so I emailed the director asking if it was too late. After explaining where I had come from, the director was extremely excited to have me be a part of their team. I went to my first rehearsal, and felt like I already fit. They had me audition on each piece of equipment, and found that I could spin any of it. This was new to me. I had finally found something to be a part of. I was very excited and could not wait for the 3 times a week that I got to see my new friends. They all welcomed me with open hands, and I felt like I had made 12 new friends that fast. As I would rehearse with them, I found the love of this sport, that I thought I had lost again. I wanted nothing more than to be out there performing.

I came home for Thanksgiving. While I was home, once again I reconnected with my friends from home, and had the strong desire to be back at home with what I knew. I had friends who were in their own depressions, and I felt guilty for not being there to help them through. I started to feel like everything was my fault, and I didn't know how to change or fix anything. I however, went back to Utah.  My new friend had started dating this guy that we both were friends with very seriously, and  I felt myself feeling left out all the time. They got engaged that December. The roommate "big sister" left for 18 months on a church mission, and once again, I felt my life falling apart. I started to become very clingy to my new friend. There are many things that I would say and do to try to get to spend more time with her, but all I found was we were falling apart. I pushed and pushed on her trying to get her to walk away from me even though she kept saying she wouldn't. We got to a point where she was threatening to move out, if I didn't back off. But of course, I didn't stop. I started to feel myself saying things to her, knowing they would hurt her, even though I knew they were wrong. I couldn't stop myself. I felt like I had finally lost control.

During the month before Christmas and the week that I had come back to Utah, I found that I had pushed a friend so far that she didn't know what to do anymore. I knew I cared about her, and I knew that the last thing I wanted was for her to stop talking to me. However, she needed space. I had become too dependent on her for my happiness. I felt like if she wasn't in my life, I would be in a deep depression. When she started taking her space, I just started shutting down. I wouldn't tell her anything. I started to blame her for the way I felt, and I started to feel like she didn't care about me. I accused her of being fake and many other things. I said things to her and would do things that no person should ever have experienced from a person who they called their best friend. She was an amazing friend and did nothing but try to make me happy, however no person could have made me happy. (I didn't know that yet). She put up with a lot from me, and to the day I left stood by my side trying to help to the best of her ability. She was willing to give up anything to help me. I remember the many nights of driving around or going out to the "Rock" just to talk and try to fix things. She tried so hard, and I gave her nothing in return.

I ended up coming home a week after going back from Christmas break. I left without saying good-bye to anybody. I up and quit my job and the winter guard I had become a part of. I knew that leaving was the right thing to do, but it made me feel horrible, because I was quitting everything with no notice. I felt like I was letting people down, to the point where I deleted most of them from my life. The biggest regret from leaving though was not really saying bye to the girl who had stood by my side the entire time I was there. She became my best friend, even though it hurt her to be around her ex-boyfriends sister. She made sure that I enjoyed the time I was there, and I treated her horrible. She didn't deserve it, and that is my biggest regret from being there.

I make Utah sound like it was all bad, however there are many things that I learned there. I learned how to be on my own, and how to provide for myself. One of the big things I learned in Utah was that when you try to please every one you end up pleasing no one. I learned that having time out in nature is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I learned that in order to find peace you have to identify what issues and battles you have. I learned that what may be right for one person, may not be right for me. I learned that I have to figure out who I am before any one else can know me. While there, I found the love for something that I thought I had lost. From the people I met, I learned that I have to have self worth. They helped me to begin to like myself, and helped me to start improving myself. Utah taught me a greater appreciation for my life.

I left Utah without facing my issues. I thought I could run away, but they just followed me to a more comfortable location. I am very grateful for the time I spent in Utah, and for the people I met. At the end of the day Utah was not where I needed or even wanted to be, but if I hadn't experienced it, I would not be where I am now. For anyone who met me while I was living in Utah, I want to say Thank you! Thank you for putting up with me, when I was not my best self. Thank you for helping me to not completely lose myself. Thank you for having faith in me, that one day I would get better. And to the 3 people who I have gotten to see since I left, Thank You for still welcoming me with open arms even after everything I did to you. You 3 are the reason why I survived Utah, and who gave me the courage to continue each day.

Utah is a part of me now and forever. Each day I wake up, I remember things I learned from that experience. I don't regret attempting to "prove" that I could make it, because I proved so much more to myself by being able to survive, and to have the courage to know that my time was finally done there, and that I needed to come home. Life goes on even when you think it won't.

100 Days of Me

In 102 days it will be New Years, until then I am going to post everyday about how I have continued to move forward. Today I will start with a little bit of history. I graduated high school in June of 2008. In August 2008 I began college at a university in Utah. I left my friends and my family behind in order to start a new life. I was attempting to "grow" up and let people know that I can be me without worrying about anything that they said or thought. I wanted to continue my education to become an elementary school teacher.

So I packed my bags and boxes and hit the road. It was a long 14 hour drive, but I got to see some really nice scenery the whole way there. Once we got there, I had the brilliant idea of not living in the dorms because I wanted to be on my own and not monitored by RA's. Big Mistake #1! I moved in with my roommates, who were nice, but we didn't really hit it off. We attempted to hang out, but it just never went anywhere. 2 of them were practically engaged and always with their boyfriends, so I never really saw much of them. By living in an apartment and not knowing anybody, I found myself rather bored. I am not the type of person to just knock on my neighbors doors.

In September of 2008, I went bowling with my brother for his birthday, and met his ex girlfriend. We ended up hitting it off completely and became really good friends. This turned out to be rather awkward at first, considering her and my brother did not end on good terms, but it ended up making my experience in Utah bearable. At the end of the fall semester I moved in with my new friend, and we became inseparable. I met her roommates, who I ended up really getting along with. One of them made a huge impact on my life. I thought this was a new start to me enjoying college life.

I went home for the summer of 2009. While I was at home, I reconnected with my friends from high school, and really enjoyed being home. I almost decided to stay home, but I was "strong" and determined to finish where I started. I went back to Utah in July 2009 and thought that things would get better. In October, I decided to join an Independent Winter guard. I had really missed spinning and being a part of a team, so I drove 45 minutes 3 times a week to be able to participate. I also got a job as an early morning custodian during this semester. Things were starting to look up, but I really didn't feel like I belonged in Utah. I couldn't figure out why, and I really let that get to me.

I came home in December for Christmas, and everything felt right. I felt like I was in the right place, and that I really should be home. But still determined to stay "strong," I went back to Utah in January. I went back to my job and the winter guard that I had joined. I was there for a week and the entire time, I felt like all I was doing was going through the motions of  life. I was very unhappy, and didn't feel like doing anything. I stopped going to class, and couldn't bring myself to keep doing it. I knew that it was time for a change.

It was Sunday January 10, 2010 when I called home balling. I didn't want to stay, but I didn't want to be a disappointment. All along I was trying to finish what I started strong. But it was at this point, that I just couldn't do it anymore. My parents were very understanding and paid for my brother to fly up to Utah 2 days later so that I could have someone to drive home with. I packed my stuff and quit everything I was doing to move back home. I got home just in time to register for classes at the local university.

When I moved home, people were shocked. Everyone wanted to know what happened. Why did I leave? I was at a great university, with nice people, so why couldn't I do it? To answer these long awaited questions, I came home because I didn't fit in. I was not like the people around me. (religious university). We shared beliefs, but we didn't share hobbies, or likes, or anything that makes us as a human race unique. I felt like I was surrounded by girls who wanted to get married, and guys who were looking for a wife. I didn't feel like the people around me wanted to become educated or even go out and have fun. They weren't there for fun. Everybody was very serious, and I felt like because I wasn't like them, I was being judged. I did it for a year and a half, but I reached a breaking point where I decided I wanted to be happy with my life.

Coming home, was also quite difficult. At first, I was trying to allow things to go back to the way they were in high school, forgetting of course that my friends from high school were all different. It was not an easy adjustment, and many things happened that I wish I could have changed. I was at this point in a depression, and was not wanting to meet new people or to really expand on anything. I wanted consistency in my life, and that was not easy to get.  I went back to my high school and began teaching colorguard there and I got close to my old friends from high school during that spring semester, which led to a good summer, but I still wasn't happy with me. Big Mistake #2! I started to take things out on the people closest to me.

The fall of 2010 began and I was still working at my old high school. We ended up having a really good band staff, that was really fun to be around. Being at band practice was relaxing and let me get away from the world. My best friend and I hung out all the time, but he wanted to expand his horizons and I just wasn't at that place in my life yet. We began fighting all the time, but some how ended up being ok. I knew I wasn't ok with my life, and I knew there were things I wanted to change but I still didn't have the energy to change anything. I didn't have a complete desire to fix anything. I was content with life, as long as everything stayed the same. As my friends started meeting new people, I began to feel left out. Why couldn't I meet new people with them? Why were we growing apart?

In the spring of 2011, things got really bad. I began to do unrational things to try to keep my friends around. I became very demanding, and reached an all time low in my depression. Why were things not working out? I kept saying to myself that things couldn't get much worse, but I was completely wrong. I went out of town to Maryland in May 2011 for two weeks. While I was gone, my close friends decided they had enough of my depression, and they couldn't fix things. They walked out of my life while I was gone, and told me that they didn't really want anything to do with me. I was told a lot of things during this time about how horrible of a person I was becoming, and pretty much they didn't want anything to do with it. This came as a complete shocker to me, because I truly felt like I had done nothing wrong. Coming home from vacation was extremely difficult.

As the summer of 2011 began, I felt like the summer was going to be horrible. I felt like nothing was going to go right, and I wasn't sure how I would survive. I had 2 friends left who didn't leave, and I have nothing but gratitude for them sticking around while I finally figured things out. Throughout this summer, I learned many things about myself. I accepted my faults, and I also accepted that the people who I thought were my closest friends that walked away, weren't really as great as I had made them to be. I did many things wrong in my life, however as this summer has ended I can still sit here and say that out of the 3 friends that walked away, only 1 of them truly had any reason. This person was the closest person to me, and as things got worse in my life, I took them out even more on this person. And if you are reading this for whatever reason, I want you to know I am truly sorry. You never deserved to be treated how I treated you. You had every reason to say you were done with me, and for as much as I hated you for it, I want you to know how grateful I am. I have learned so much about me, and I have been able to snap out of the depression that just wouldn't go away.

One of the big things I learned this summer, was how immature my friendships were. Nobody was ever willing to just communicate their feelings, which just kept leading to bigger issues. Friends were too demanding on each other, and never understood that family came first. We were ALL guilty of it. Another big thing I learned this summer, is that if you can't be happy with yourself, you will never be happy with or around anybody else. I learned to accept me with faults and all, and to know that the people who really care about me, would accept it too. I learned that each person in your life brings something that you need, and that is why you keep them around. I learned how important family is, and how they are the only people who don't leave just because you had an argument. I learned that judging people only causes hurt to yourself, because they don't allow themselves to stick around just to be brought down. And most importantly, I learned that forgiveness is the only way to set yourself free from any issues that have occurred among people you love.

As this semester started, I forgave all the people who played any role in my summer for the hurt they caused. Some will never know the pain I felt, but I never wish it upon anyone. I believe that God has a plan for everyone, and I believe His plan for me was to teach me a lesson that I wouldn't learn any other way than having my entire world flipped upside down. I strive every day to be a better person than the day before, and I am very grateful for the life I have now. Though its not perfect, because nothing ever is, I wouldn't have it any other way. As for the people who walked away in May, I can say that differences have been reconciled among two of them, and we are going to continue letting our friendship progress. I am happier then ever, and for the next 100 days, I am going to be blogging about how life goes on, and the things that come from change.