I know it has been like forever since my last post, but I thought that since it is a new year that I will go ahead and give you all a New Years post. First off I hope every one had a great holiday season. For me the holiday season started with having my first Thanksgiving since I can remember with my dad not here. For the last year my dad was deployed to Kosovo. So for Thanksgiving we spent time with my aunt and uncle and my brother and his family. My dad was home in time for Christmas so we had a great time! For New Years, I have travelled to Maryland to visit with my aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins. 2 of the 3 have significant others, and it has been so much fun to hang out with all of them. I am so excited for the older male cousin to get married this June.
As the year came to end, it was crazy how much had changed! At the beginning of the year, I thought my life was in a pretty great place and that I had my future pretty much laid out in front of me. As the year progressed, this quickly was no longer true. My best friend and love interest if 7 years walked out of my life. He had decided that I was no longer important in his life, and that I was expendable. I went to Maryland and thought it was the end, but little did i know he would be back. In the middle of June, we decided to be friends again.. for a WEEK! At the end of the week I had apparently failed his friendship test, and well he was gone yet again. In the middle of July he called me to tell me that he was really gone, and that I was this horrible person and EVERYTHING that he didn't like about me or that I did wrong. I then traveled to Utah and spent time with an old roommate for a week. This trip helped me to see that my life wasn't over and that I still had a lot going for me. In the midst of this I had accepted a job teaching colorguard at my old high school. This job was nothing compared to what I was told it would be. The band directors and I had a lot of poor communication and it quickly became evident that I had taken job under false pretenses. In the beginning of August, I had decided that I could no longer handle this job, so I made a very mentally and emotionally good decision, but not necessarily a morally good think, and I quit this job. As I quit that job, I accepted a job as the Captain/Instructor of my university's colorguard. 2 days after I quit the high school, my mom came inside our house and told me that my ex-bestfriend was outside wanting to talk to me. I told my mom repeatedly that I didn't want to see him, but she made me go talk to him. After 2 1/2 hrs of talking because he wanted to make sure I was ok after quitting (b/c this was very unusual for me), we decided to try to be friends again. I made it very clear that this was the last time I would try this again. Big Mistake. After a short 2 weeks I got a text message saying that I should lose his number, go f*** myself, and that if I didnt leave him alone that he would call campus police. This was the end for me. I decided to just let him go. This was probably the hardest decision of my life. I was extremely hurt and couldn't decide if I had made the right decision. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think about him until the middle of October. One day I was out to lunch with a friend and we said something about him and I realized I hadn't thought about him for 3 days. This was a big achievement. Now here in January, I go weeks at a time, where I don't think about him. And when I think about him now, my thoughts are so much different.
While I was in band at my university, I met a bunch of new people. I made new friends and I started to realize many things about my ex-bestfriend. I began to realize how bad my relationship with him was for me. I saw how controlling he was, and emotionally abusive he was. It became obvious to me, that he never cared about me nearly as much as I cared about him. One of the biggest things I realized was that being emotionally abusive and controlling is just as bad as being physically abusive. I also learned that emotional abuse is a lot harder to detect and accept than physical abuse. My friends and family had been telling me for about a year before anything happened that he was abusing me, but I never accepted it. I was in denial and I would tell them they are wrong. I couldn't see what he was doing to me. He made me feel like I was worth nothing. He took my confidence away and told me many times that no guy would ever date me if he wasn't around. He took it upon himself to tell me how to live my life, and when I did something he didn't approve of, such as buy a car without his permission, he would get very upset with me and then tell me how bad my purchase was. He had no problem making plans with me, just to cancel hours before. He pretended to be willing to do anything for me, but when asked he would throw a fit. The whole time though, I didn't see any of this. Yes I would get upset, but I would make excuses for him and let him do it over and over again. I truly felt that it would be harder to let him go than to just deal with it. I also truly believed all the horrible things he would say about me. When he walked away the first time, I thought my life was over... but what I have come to realize is, thats when my life truly began. The more I knew he was gone, the more I could live my life. I could have my own friends, I was allowed to go out and be adventurous, and I was allowed to learn things and grow on my own.
Being emotionally abused or letting someone control you is probably one of the hardest things to see. Over the course of this year, I have learned that God allows everything to happen for a reason. He decided that I wasn't listening to family and close friends about this relationship, so he was going to make sure it ended. I have learned that there are many better opportunities out there and that I can do amazing things in my life. Every day that I wake up, I feel better and stronger. I feel like my life is going in the right direction. That isn't to say that there aren't still hard things in my life, or that I don't have bad days. Those things are just a part of life. 2011 was probably one of the hardest years of my life, but as it has ended, it is a year that I will never forget. I won't forget it because of all the lessons that I learned. I met a lot of great people that have changed my life for the better, and I am so grateful for them. I have also kept some really great friends this year, that stuck with me through thick and thin and I am extremely grateful and indebted to them for it! I also have an amazing family that is by no means perfect, and I am so grateful that my dad was able to return safely! Good bye 2011 and Hello 2012! =)
