In 102 days it will be New Years, until then I am going to post everyday about how I have continued to move forward. Today I will start with a little bit of history. I graduated high school in June of 2008. In August 2008 I began college at a university in Utah. I left my friends and my family behind in order to start a new life. I was attempting to "grow" up and let people know that I can be me without worrying about anything that they said or thought. I wanted to continue my education to become an elementary school teacher.
So I packed my bags and boxes and hit the road. It was a long 14 hour drive, but I got to see some really nice scenery the whole way there. Once we got there, I had the brilliant idea of not living in the dorms because I wanted to be on my own and not monitored by RA's. Big Mistake #1! I moved in with my roommates, who were nice, but we didn't really hit it off. We attempted to hang out, but it just never went anywhere. 2 of them were practically engaged and always with their boyfriends, so I never really saw much of them. By living in an apartment and not knowing anybody, I found myself rather bored. I am not the type of person to just knock on my neighbors doors.
In September of 2008, I went bowling with my brother for his birthday, and met his ex girlfriend. We ended up hitting it off completely and became really good friends. This turned out to be rather awkward at first, considering her and my brother did not end on good terms, but it ended up making my experience in Utah bearable. At the end of the fall semester I moved in with my new friend, and we became inseparable. I met her roommates, who I ended up really getting along with. One of them made a huge impact on my life. I thought this was a new start to me enjoying college life.
I went home for the summer of 2009. While I was at home, I reconnected with my friends from high school, and really enjoyed being home. I almost decided to stay home, but I was "strong" and determined to finish where I started. I went back to Utah in July 2009 and thought that things would get better. In October, I decided to join an Independent Winter guard. I had really missed spinning and being a part of a team, so I drove 45 minutes 3 times a week to be able to participate. I also got a job as an early morning custodian during this semester. Things were starting to look up, but I really didn't feel like I belonged in Utah. I couldn't figure out why, and I really let that get to me.
I came home in December for Christmas, and everything felt right. I felt like I was in the right place, and that I really should be home. But still determined to stay "strong," I went back to Utah in January. I went back to my job and the winter guard that I had joined. I was there for a week and the entire time, I felt like all I was doing was going through the motions of life. I was very unhappy, and didn't feel like doing anything. I stopped going to class, and couldn't bring myself to keep doing it. I knew that it was time for a change.
It was Sunday January 10, 2010 when I called home balling. I didn't want to stay, but I didn't want to be a disappointment. All along I was trying to finish what I started strong. But it was at this point, that I just couldn't do it anymore. My parents were very understanding and paid for my brother to fly up to Utah 2 days later so that I could have someone to drive home with. I packed my stuff and quit everything I was doing to move back home. I got home just in time to register for classes at the local university.
When I moved home, people were shocked. Everyone wanted to know what happened. Why did I leave? I was at a great university, with nice people, so why couldn't I do it? To answer these long awaited questions, I came home because I didn't fit in. I was not like the people around me. (religious university). We shared beliefs, but we didn't share hobbies, or likes, or anything that makes us as a human race unique. I felt like I was surrounded by girls who wanted to get married, and guys who were looking for a wife. I didn't feel like the people around me wanted to become educated or even go out and have fun. They weren't there for fun. Everybody was very serious, and I felt like because I wasn't like them, I was being judged. I did it for a year and a half, but I reached a breaking point where I decided I wanted to be happy with my life.
Coming home, was also quite difficult. At first, I was trying to allow things to go back to the way they were in high school, forgetting of course that my friends from high school were all different. It was not an easy adjustment, and many things happened that I wish I could have changed. I was at this point in a depression, and was not wanting to meet new people or to really expand on anything. I wanted consistency in my life, and that was not easy to get. I went back to my high school and began teaching colorguard there and I got close to my old friends from high school during that spring semester, which led to a good summer, but I still wasn't happy with me. Big Mistake #2! I started to take things out on the people closest to me.
The fall of 2010 began and I was still working at my old high school. We ended up having a really good band staff, that was really fun to be around. Being at band practice was relaxing and let me get away from the world. My best friend and I hung out all the time, but he wanted to expand his horizons and I just wasn't at that place in my life yet. We began fighting all the time, but some how ended up being ok. I knew I wasn't ok with my life, and I knew there were things I wanted to change but I still didn't have the energy to change anything. I didn't have a complete desire to fix anything. I was content with life, as long as everything stayed the same. As my friends started meeting new people, I began to feel left out. Why couldn't I meet new people with them? Why were we growing apart?
In the spring of 2011, things got really bad. I began to do unrational things to try to keep my friends around. I became very demanding, and reached an all time low in my depression. Why were things not working out? I kept saying to myself that things couldn't get much worse, but I was completely wrong. I went out of town to Maryland in May 2011 for two weeks. While I was gone, my close friends decided they had enough of my depression, and they couldn't fix things. They walked out of my life while I was gone, and told me that they didn't really want anything to do with me. I was told a lot of things during this time about how horrible of a person I was becoming, and pretty much they didn't want anything to do with it. This came as a complete shocker to me, because I truly felt like I had done nothing wrong. Coming home from vacation was extremely difficult.
As the summer of 2011 began, I felt like the summer was going to be horrible. I felt like nothing was going to go right, and I wasn't sure how I would survive. I had 2 friends left who didn't leave, and I have nothing but gratitude for them sticking around while I finally figured things out. Throughout this summer, I learned many things about myself. I accepted my faults, and I also accepted that the people who I thought were my closest friends that walked away, weren't really as great as I had made them to be. I did many things wrong in my life, however as this summer has ended I can still sit here and say that out of the 3 friends that walked away, only 1 of them truly had any reason. This person was the closest person to me, and as things got worse in my life, I took them out even more on this person. And if you are reading this for whatever reason, I want you to know I am truly sorry. You never deserved to be treated how I treated you. You had every reason to say you were done with me, and for as much as I hated you for it, I want you to know how grateful I am. I have learned so much about me, and I have been able to snap out of the depression that just wouldn't go away.
One of the big things I learned this summer, was how immature my friendships were. Nobody was ever willing to just communicate their feelings, which just kept leading to bigger issues. Friends were too demanding on each other, and never understood that family came first. We were ALL guilty of it. Another big thing I learned this summer, is that if you can't be happy with yourself, you will never be happy with or around anybody else. I learned to accept me with faults and all, and to know that the people who really care about me, would accept it too. I learned that each person in your life brings something that you need, and that is why you keep them around. I learned how important family is, and how they are the only people who don't leave just because you had an argument. I learned that judging people only causes hurt to yourself, because they don't allow themselves to stick around just to be brought down. And most importantly, I learned that forgiveness is the only way to set yourself free from any issues that have occurred among people you love.
As this semester started, I forgave all the people who played any role in my summer for the hurt they caused. Some will never know the pain I felt, but I never wish it upon anyone. I believe that God has a plan for everyone, and I believe His plan for me was to teach me a lesson that I wouldn't learn any other way than having my entire world flipped upside down. I strive every day to be a better person than the day before, and I am very grateful for the life I have now. Though its not perfect, because nothing ever is, I wouldn't have it any other way. As for the people who walked away in May, I can say that differences have been reconciled among two of them, and we are going to continue letting our friendship progress. I am happier then ever, and for the next 100 days, I am going to be blogging about how life goes on, and the things that come from change.
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